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[October 13, 2008 | 04:07 PM] Its been a while. I can't tell if its been a struggle for motivation to write in here because I'm so busy, or because nothing exciting is going on. I really have spent too much time trying to decide and have failed at a conclusion. Probably a little bit of both.

[September 22, 2008 | 05:40 PM] Ed has 32 beauty marks on JUST his face. He's so cute :)

[September 21, 2008 | 12:29 PM] I have a really good feeling that the rest of 2008 and 2009 will be really good. I went to Leavitt's homecoming last night and ran into so many friends. I took the time to talk to them all, giving them tight hugs and kisses on the cheeks. I was so happy. Adam and I have been conversing for the past three days, its so relieving. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. He visited me at work yesterday and we caught up very briefly at the football game last night, I hope we can have a relationship like Jacob, Lukas and I have. A quick convo and hug when we see each other, maybe even by the summer time we'll be meeting up for a coffee like Lukas and I do, or going to see a movie like Jacob. Ed is the greatest. Last night we sat on his couch, listening to the new mix he made me, titled, "A cd to say, thank you". Its my favorite thus far. We got into the deepest conversation we've ever had together, probably even the deepest I've had with anyone. We debated about love, if destiny existed, soulmates, love that lasted an entire life time. I argued that I didn't want to lead the cliche life, get married, raise a family. I want to travel and learn everything possible there is to learn about myself, and the world and its people and purposes. He wondered why I couldn't do these things with another person. We talked about dependancy and if there's a right or wrong way to live and love, and if its people who give up on love or if it simply just dies. I'm afraid to marry, have children and divorce like I see every family around me do, but he said everything he could to try and convince me that when that happens, people are giving up, it doesn't have to happen. In the end I felt no better about the subject, but I wouldn't have wanted to spend those two hours last night doing anything else. He bought me three cacti the other day. They're absolutely cunning and the pot they're in is totally hip. We named them Archie, Cyrus and Summer. I can't wait to get my goldfish Genevieve, and after that, were getting a bird!

[September 17, 2008 | 08:54 PM] I want to move to a new city and live there for a year, and when my lease runs out for my apartment, I want to move to a new one, and when my time is up there, pack my things and relocate to another city. Here are a list of towns I'd like to live in Seattle, WA Tuscan, AZ Boston, MA Providence, RI Los Angeles, CA New York, NY Portland, OR Chicago, I'LL And I'm sure I will find many more. Maybe I will just go to Cosmo school so it will be conveniant and easy to find a job wherever I move. Also, how glam would it be if I could find jobs to do hair/make up for models in these cities, for magazines or fashion shows. Seriously, wtf am I going to do in my lifetime

[September 15, 2008 | 05:03 PM] I wish there was a place that had fall all year long. I would move there and live there forever. I wonder what it is exactly that just gives me that fresh, smitten, jolly feeling whenever I smell the cool season air, or get a quick shiver up my spine when a breeze comes around. When my long purple curtains dance I can't help but smile. I can't wait to take out my scarves and dress boots. I met Ed's family Saturday, I was so nervous we had to pull over because I felt like I could get sick. I worried that I wouldn't like them as much as Adam's family, I was scared to replace them. Even though I love Adam's family, and still to this day would do anything for any of them if needed, I definetly appreciate Ed's family in a different way. All of his ridiculously intellectual and hippie family members made me feel right at home. His mothers laugh, I swear could made the devil want to sing and frollic. She texted me today and told me that I fit in perfectly. I'm so excited about my job at Bath and Body Works. I feel so important walking around the city in my business like black attire and stilletos! Ed and I have been sick with an awful cold for days, sleepover number 4 (in a row!) tonight :)

[September 10, 2008 | 08:21 PM] As soon as it came, that sketchy, sad feeling has left. I really believe that the greatest feeling in the world is sitting between Ty and Christian on any spinning ride at a fair. At night of course, the coolness of the early autumn wind kissing your cheeks, your hair whipping fast around your face, the lights of the rides flashing from every direction from the fair rides and food stands, the blur of the people screaming and laughing and smiling all around you. And then, there's your family at the fence, watching you and waving and calling for you. And in that moment, I swear we were infinite I have grown to have the greatest love for my family this summer, I've never felt closer and more in place and its come to be my favorite feeling. It took me know time at all to shake myself from my pessimistic clouded mind and realize that there is no time for me to wait around for something to motivate me to change the things in my life that are making me bored. I need to just smile and take care of these things pronto.

[September 09, 2008 | 09:04 PM] I'm in a sketchy mood and I have been for the past two or three days. I don't think I'm depressed, but I am sad, I feel alone a lot. I feel clueless and small. I'm tired of my life. I'm tired of the routing. I'm bored by it. I'm starving for something greater, exciting, worth waking up for. I see the same people every day, shop in the same stores, listen to the same music, drive the same streets. I feel like I'm so much bigger than the life I'm leading, but I'm trapped inside this small, useless body. I'm so tired of this state. I know enough people from enough towns to know that I don't want to stay near any of them. In the book I read, every body lied and cheated and fell in love with people while they were married and I don't want to end up like that. I'm falling ou of love with the idea of life and love. Well, right now I am. I hope tomorrow I feel better.

[September 04, 2008 | 05:45 PM] On Sunday I drove Tanya to Biddeford, all her belongings piled high in my backseat. We listened to our favorite songs and brought up every inside joke we've ever had, laughing until we could barely breathe. As we got closer to UNE, we got quieter. Tanya was nervous, I was depressed. We checked in and carried all of her things to the third floor of Assisi. I watched the excitement on all of the freshman's faces, hugs and handshakes, awkward smiles and bouncy room mates meeting for the first time. I wanted to be one of them so bad. I already miss Tanya, there's only so much I can do here before I start thinking about all the events that are pre planned for her entertainment, all the new people she is meeting, all the great subjects she is learning, while, well, I'm not. I've spent the past week at my father's here in Winthrop. His house located on Annabesacook lake, nice and secluded, exactly what I need post quitting my job and pre settling down to get the rest of my highschool credit and a new job. At first it was sad being back to the house where mine and Adam's history first began. Everywhere I went in the house I was reminded of him. Going to the bathroom I pictured myself sitting against the wall, talking to him until 3 in the morning on a school night. Walking past the computer I saw his brandnew screen name pop onto the screen. The first night it was a challenge for me to not call or text or email him, but I didn't and I haven't and I won't. This, is a great accomplishment all on its own, it truely is. I fished for the first time on Monday and I've done it for hours everyday since. I sleep in the sun and I even went to Barnes & Noble and grabbed myself a very interesting book. Now, when I look back at it, I can't even begin to comprehend how I worked 45 hours a week for the past two months. Ed is officially my boyfriend, he met my family on Monday and I meet his next Saturday. I'm pretty happy about it, aside from the fact that somehow this new title makes me miss him more when we're not together. I really see great things coming from this. Saturday we are having a sleepover at my house, complete with pizza, board games and a couple musicals. He's adopted Nikola, now that she's been fatherless for a couple of months so he's pretty excited to meet her. When we go to the fair next week he's going to win me a goldfish for us to parent as well! Still, I feel nothing less than happy

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