Samantha

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 22:07:41 GMT

Its been a while.
I can't tell if its been a struggle for motivation to write in here because I'm so busy, or because nothing exciting is going on.
I really have spent too much time trying to decide and have failed at a conclusion.

Probably a little bit of both.

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 23:40:24 GMT

Ed has 32 beauty marks on JUST his face.
He's so cute :)

Sun, 21 Sep 2008 18:29:27 GMT

I have a really good feeling that the rest of 2008 and 2009 will be really good. I went to Leavitt's homecoming last night and ran into so many friends. I took the time to talk to them all, giving them tight hugs and kisses on the cheeks. I was so happy.

Adam and I have been conversing for the past three days, its so relieving. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. He visited me at work yesterday and we caught up very briefly at the football game last night, I hope we can have a relationship like Jacob, Lukas and I have. A quick convo and hug when we see each other, maybe even by the summer time we'll be meeting up for a coffee like Lukas and I do, or going to see a movie like Jacob.

Ed is the greatest.
Last night we sat on his couch, listening to the new mix he made me, titled, "A cd to say, thank you". Its my favorite thus far. We got into the deepest conversation we've ever had together, probably even the deepest I've had with anyone. We debated about love, if destiny existed, soulmates, love that lasted an entire life time. I argued that I didn't want to lead the cliche life, get married, raise a family. I want to travel and learn everything possible there is to learn about myself, and the world and its people and purposes. He wondered why I couldn't do these things with another person. We talked about dependancy and if there's a right or wrong way to live and love, and if its people who give up on love or if it simply just dies. I'm afraid to marry, have children and divorce like I see every family around me do, but he said everything he could to try and convince me that when that happens, people are giving up, it doesn't have to happen. In the end I felt no better about the subject, but I wouldn't have wanted to spend those two hours last night doing anything else.

He bought me three cacti the other day. They're absolutely cunning and the pot they're in is totally hip. We named them Archie, Cyrus and Summer. I can't wait to get my goldfish Genevieve, and after that, were getting a bird!

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 02:54:29 GMT

I want to move to a new city and live there for a year, and when my lease runs out for my apartment, I want to move to a new one, and when my time is up there, pack my things and relocate to another city.

Here are a list of towns I'd like to live in
Seattle, WA
Tuscan, AZ
Boston, MA
Providence, RI
Los Angeles, CA
New York, NY
Portland, OR
Chicago, I'LL

And I'm sure I will find many more. Maybe I will just go to Cosmo school so it will be conveniant and easy to find a job wherever I move. Also, how glam would it be if I could find jobs to do hair/make up for models in these cities, for magazines or fashion shows.

Seriously, wtf am I going to do in my lifetime

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 23:03:20 GMT

I wish there was a place that had fall all year long. I would move there and live there forever.
I wonder what it is exactly that just gives me that fresh, smitten, jolly feeling whenever I smell the cool season air, or get a quick shiver up my spine when a breeze comes around. When my long purple curtains dance I can't help but smile.
I can't wait to take out my scarves and dress boots.

I met Ed's family Saturday, I was so nervous we had to pull over because I felt like I could get sick. I worried that I wouldn't like them as much as Adam's family, I was scared to replace them. Even though I love Adam's family, and still to this day would do anything for any of them if needed, I definetly appreciate Ed's family in a different way. All of his ridiculously intellectual and hippie family members made me feel right at home. His mothers laugh, I swear could made the devil want to sing and frollic. She texted me today and told me that I fit in perfectly.

I'm so excited about my job at Bath and Body Works. I feel so important walking around the city in my business like black attire and stilletos!

Ed and I have been sick with an awful cold for days, sleepover number 4 (in a row!) tonight :)

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 02:21:22 GMT

As soon as it came, that sketchy, sad feeling has left.

I really believe that the greatest feeling in the world is sitting between Ty and Christian on any spinning ride at a fair. At night of course, the coolness of the early autumn wind kissing your cheeks, your hair whipping fast around your face, the lights of the rides flashing from every direction from the fair rides and food stands, the blur of the people screaming and laughing and smiling all around you. And then, there's your family at the fence, watching you and waving and calling for you.

And in that moment, I swear we were infinite

I have grown to have the greatest love for my family this summer, I've never felt closer and more in place and its come to be my favorite feeling.

It took me know time at all to shake myself from my pessimistic clouded mind and realize that there is no time for me to wait around for something to motivate me to change the things in my life that are making me bored. I need to just smile and take care of these things pronto.

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 03:04:33 GMT

I'm in a sketchy mood and I have been for the past two or three days.
I don't think I'm depressed, but I am sad, I feel alone a lot. I feel clueless and small.

I'm tired of my life. I'm tired of the routing. I'm bored by it. I'm starving for something greater, exciting, worth waking up for. I see the same people every day, shop in the same stores, listen to the same music, drive the same streets.

I feel like I'm so much bigger than the life I'm leading, but I'm trapped inside this small, useless body. I'm so tired of this state. I know enough people from enough towns to know that I don't want to stay near any of them. In the book I read, every body lied and cheated and fell in love with people while they were married and I don't want to end up like that. I'm falling ou of love with the idea of life and love.

Well, right now I am. I hope tomorrow I feel better.

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 23:45:00 GMT

On Sunday I drove Tanya to Biddeford, all her belongings piled high in my backseat. We listened to our favorite songs and brought up every inside joke we've ever had, laughing until we could barely breathe.
As we got closer to UNE, we got quieter. Tanya was nervous, I was depressed. We checked in and carried all of her things to the third floor of Assisi. I watched the excitement on all of the freshman's faces, hugs and handshakes, awkward smiles and bouncy room mates meeting for the first time. I wanted to be one of them so bad.
I already miss Tanya, there's only so much I can do here before I start thinking about all the events that are pre planned for her entertainment, all the new people she is meeting, all the great subjects she is learning, while, well, I'm not.

I've spent the past week at my father's here in Winthrop. His house located on Annabesacook lake, nice and secluded, exactly what I need post quitting my job and pre settling down to get the rest of my highschool credit and a new job.
At first it was sad being back to the house where mine and Adam's history first began. Everywhere I went in the house I was reminded of him. Going to the bathroom I pictured myself sitting against the wall, talking to him until 3 in the morning on a school night. Walking past the computer I saw his brandnew screen name pop onto the screen. The first night it was a challenge for me to not call or text or email him, but I didn't and I haven't and I won't. This, is a great accomplishment all on its own, it truely is.
I fished for the first time on Monday and I've done it for hours everyday since. I sleep in the sun and I even went to Barnes & Noble and grabbed myself a very interesting book. Now, when I look back at it, I can't even begin to comprehend how I worked 45 hours a week for the past two months.

Ed is officially my boyfriend, he met my family on Monday and I meet his next Saturday. I'm pretty happy about it, aside from the fact that somehow this new title makes me miss him more when we're not together. I really see great things coming from this.
Saturday we are having a sleepover at my house, complete with pizza, board games and a couple musicals. He's adopted Nikola, now that she's been fatherless for a couple of months so he's pretty excited to meet her. When we go to the fair next week he's going to win me a goldfish for us to parent as well!

Still, I feel nothing less than happy

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 02:12:09 GMT

Summer is over.
I've found myself laying in bed, ready to sleep before midnight for the past three days and it breaks my heart. It all happened too fast.
Everyones leaving for school this week, I help Tanya move into her UNE dorm on Sunday. When I dwell on it, I feel so left behind, I wonder how I'll like this year.

I had said earlier that Eddy and I were going to end our "relationship" by the end of the summer. We've decided that we are not and I couldn't be more thrilled about it. I am constantly looking forward to any time that I spend with him. Whether its at work, our pancake breakfasts, our picnics at the lake, nights where we sit in my car, look up at the stars through my sunroof, or (my all time favorite), when I go to his house and we stay up until the sun rises.
In all seriousness, I have such a hard time trying to remember a different time where I felt more important than I do when I'm with Ed. He treats me like a queen, and not out of sarcasm or mockery, just because he loves too, and somehow, someway he actually believes I deserve it.

What a wonderful man.

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 04:44:27 GMT

There's nothing like a family reunion to tie up the end of the summer.
I saw aunts and uncles that came up to visit from Florida that I haven't seen in two years, and before that, five.
I chased toddlers, bounced babies, caught up with cousins and danced with my grandmother.
I smiled from every inch of my body, all night, my skin tingly with bliss.
Such a great example of how, when it all comes down to it, love is all you really need.

I really wish everyone was surrounded by great love, all the time.

It was one of those nights Eddy and I kissed goodbye, just a simple peck on the lips and a few strokes on the back, but I still feel it. I'm so happy I could die.

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 05:07:35 GMT

"You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save"

With that being said, I'm finding myself spending little time thinking about Adam. Of course I am constantly reminded of him almost daily with things like Eric Clapton's voice over the radio at work, waking up every morning to change Nikola's food and water, everytime I see a pair of Saturn headlights, but I will not deny that these things are easily begining to mean less and less to me. No doubt will I respectfully hold the good memories that we shared together, somewhere tucked in the back of my mind, vulnerable to reminisce when desired, but with the old, I have learned and have moved on.

It's amusing to me how easy this break up was for me. The relationship I've produced with Ed has made me realize things that I was extremely naive to notice before. In example, how many more "beaus" I am going to have before I "find the one". Even now when I get completely weak when Ed sneaks up behind me on the porch of Roy's to hold me from behind and watch the sunset, I know that one day he and I will part our seperate ways and that I will have many more boys scoop me up from behind, embrace me and admire the sky with. This does not mean to the least that I am not going to take complete advantage of what I have now, knowing that it will not last forever and that someday I might end up sad for a couple of weeks when I hear someone whistle or hear a Beatles song.

There is no better place than sitting on the edge of his bed, draped in sheets, rubbing his silky back while he plays his guitar and sings directly to me in the dark. The only light coming from the moon and the white of his eyes.

I am so happy

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 02:11:13 GMT

I've really really missed this feeling. Such happiness and importance and infatuation.
Ed and I had a conversation a few weeks earlier about how guys now adays are too into themselves and just all around terrible and I said something along the lines of,
"Finding a nice guy is like finding a four leaf clover"
I remember every summer of my childhood lying on my stomach for hours in the grass, elbow to elbow with my mother, looking for four leaf clovers and never finding them.
Yesterday, Ed brought me three.
Here is a list of things I adore about Edward Thomas Ker

How his hands shake when we stand close
The way his eyebrowns rise and falls with the quivering of his smile
How he really opens up to me. He tells me things he claims he has never been able to tell his room mate who he's lived with for two years
He never breaks his eye contact
He's not ashamed or embarrassed to cry in front of me
I have honestly never had a better back rub in my entire life
I have honestly never felt skin that felt so much like silk, I mean it!
How wise he is, his advice and intelligence
When he whistles, especially Beatles songs, especially OUR Beatles songs (I want you, I want to hold your hand, Something, Hey Jude)
How easy it is for me to come out of a bad mood just from hearing him whistle
He knows this too, uses it against me, and I am never in a bad mood around him
His rough hands, the way his fingers work in and out of mine
His DVD collection!
All the movie-like moments we have, when he says things like "Come here, I have to show you something" and then leads me to an open field to look up at the stars
He loves children just as much as I do
He calls my brother C! (Christian)
When he tells me he misses me when we haven't gotten a chance to talk at work because we're too busy, even though we're still in the same room
Every nice thing he has ever said to make me cry, knowing that there are such great guys out there and I was stuck with an awful one for nine months.
He's a vegetarian!!!
He always knows when something is upsetting me, even before I do
When he surprises me when I get out of work and he's sitting in my car, waiting for nothing but a goodnight hug and nothing more.
The suspense of when our next kiss will be, knowing it rarely happens, only when the moment is entirely perfect
The understanding we both have that this won't last past the summer, that neither of us are interested in a relationship and that we both need to get our lives back in the right directions, where we had pictured them going when we were younger.
How much we have in common
When he hasn't shaved for a couple of days
His hugs, his arms, how warm his body is, even when it's pouring and cold and I'm shivering in shorts and a tank top.

I can't get over how much I've grown up in the past month, how much Ed has made me see, how his seven years to mine has made me feel so mature and wise. I am so thankful that Ed is in my life.

Tue, 29 Jul 2008 04:14:48 GMT

I feel most beautiful when I'm standing in front of Ed Ker.

In the past two summers he's seen me at my lowest and my absolute worst. He's watched me ignore him when I'm mad at him, he's watched me punch counters and wipe runny mascara from my cheeks and rush to the bathroom to get sick from feeling too nervous, and somehow he still whistles me the cutest disney songs to make me smile, and tells me of all the wonderful things I deserve in life and he looks me directly in the eyes the whole time, those sweet brown eyes.

Last night I was only an inch away from his perfect smile. It didn't take long to remember why I was so head over heels for him last summer. The day he came up to my ice cream window with his green track jacket and tossed hair, my hands slippery with sweat as I grabbed a pen to take his order.

Last night I watched his lips quiver, barely able to hold his smile. I wanted those lips so bad. My hands shook as they tried to find his.

I want to kiss him, I want to sleep in his bed with him on nights I feel too lonely to sleep in mine. I want to watch John Cusack movies every night while he makes my back feel the best its ever felt.

I don't want to get attached.
Its only been a month. Its too soon.

Ohh, but I feel most beautiful when I'm standing in front of Ed Ker.

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 01:45:54 GMT

It's funny how much can change from sixteen to eighteen.
I feel years older these days. I never thought I would see the day when I would find comfort in just myself and it feels so good.
Emotionally, this has been the most accomplishing summer I've had so far.

I was wondering when the weather would catch up with me, and today was the day. Even at work with Ed it was difficult not to let my sad thoughts get the best of me.

I went to my lake after work, sat on my rock and watched the dark, thick clouds move far too fast above the water. The wind was harsh at first but I quickly got used to it and let it numb my bare arms and feet while it whipped my hair around my head. I broke my vow to not drink or smoke already this summer, doing each once already. I'm thankful to have gotten it out of the way, testing each out to see if it meant as much to me as I convinced myself it did last summer. Luckily neither had the same effect and I am now convinced I will never need them to make me feel my highest and/or happiest, but thinking about how there was once a time where I needed it like the blood in my veins ashamed me and made me cry for the longest time.

I apologized to my God as well as I could and prayed that he wasn't ashamed of me, and it got me thinking about how I'm ashamed of mine and Adam's relationship, and I wondered if he felt the same way.
I thought about all those days I yelped to Adam to stop making me laugh because it hurt my tummy too much, all those nights laying on his futon just kissing for hours and feeling so good. I know then I would have never thought that we would ever end our relationship in such bitter regret, I would never dream of it.

I want to talk to Adam, I want to remind him of every fun event, every sweet kiss. I want to ask him how he's doing and what his plans are now for after highschool. I want to see his mom, and his dad and his brother and sister. I want to watch one more movie with him, ride one more time on his four wheeler, eat one more pb and j on my plaid picnic blanket. I wish we could have ended things better, ended them right. Just so we could have the accomplished, grateful feeling I get when I think about all the lousy mistakes I've made in the past, but how much and how well they've changed me.

Maybe someday when we've both matured the same amount and are ready to rid these grudges, maybe then we can talk about things and end them the right way.

Until then, I'm really not ashamed of our relationship, and I hope you're well Adam, I promise I do.

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 02:53:36 GMT

Its been literally a month today since Adam and I have broken up and thinking back to the first couple of days when I would drive to his house and just cry and beg for him back seems years ago. I felt so naive and young. Even the memories that I just wrote about days ago mean nothing to me. When I see him I see him as someone I saw in the halls at school and not someone I made love with and spent every day with for nine months.

I am so in love with my life as of now.
With Adam out of my life, I feel so much lighter and free, aaand above all, finally happy.

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 02:20:53 GMT

Eighteen is the greatest age.
Eighteen is not having a curfew, its your parents trusting you driving your four year old brother to the movies. Its having a car and too many places you want to go. Its being single and independant. Its realizing how simple life truely is. How important love is and how unimportant hate is. Its avoiding drama because you just don't need it, realy you don't. Eighteen is having boys who are really just friends. Its not being embarrassed by your messy beach hair, not being intimidated to bike down big hills or hike six miles in an unfamiliar place. Eighteen is like eight. Free, careless and happy. Its having dreams and still believing you're going to achieve them.

When I grow up, I want to be eighteen.

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 16:36:33 GMT

I watched the sun set for the first time in my life last night and it was so wonderful.
Just sitting on that old, rocky dock, with my best friend, swinging my feet back and forth in the water, listening to the crickets sing and the fish jump.
We layed on our backs in Tanya's field, telling each other all our dirtiest secrets, all our regrets, all our favorite things about our ex boyfriends, where we used to play when we were kids, the conversation lasted hours while we looked at all the country stars.
Now, while my hair is whipping fast at my cheeks in Tanya's beat up Saab, the boys in the back polluting the air with smoke, I can't help but smile from every part of me.

Why can't life always be this easy?

Adam and I haven't had any contact in two full days and the biggest most important part of me is completely greatful for that. This is how's its supposed to be. This is how I'm most happiest, there's absolutely no denying it and I can't anymore.

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 13:49:43 GMT

I wonder how long it will be until I can wake up without feeling nauseous.
It seems the more I want to make things more simple and laid back, the more difficult and stressful Adam has to make them.

I feel like I'm in constant rush. I'm overwhelmed with the drama he creates.

At work I panic and have to leave the room to steady my breathing because everyone is moving too fast, giving me too much advice and asking too many questions, getting mad when I don't have the answers. I'm tired of putting so much effort into defending this classless disapointment. I'm tired of him getting involved with everything I do.

Last night he showed up at the bowling alley with a golf club, threatening two of my friends with it, right in front of me.
Why has it taken me so long to realize that anyone who is going to beat someone I know in front of me doesn't respect me or care about me?
Its so sad...

The way he looked last night, the hate in his eyes made me so scared and disgusted, I have never regretted or been disapointed in a relationship I've been in, but this is humiliating.

Fri, 11 Jul 2008 04:00:32 GMT

What if its not Adam that's making me unhappy?
What if it is all me?

Its been three full days since my last entry, the longest, I believe since the break up and for the reason that I can't make up my mind. Nothing is definite now and I hate making things official by writing them.

Adam has been well since Friday. I spend my time with him shaking and feeling nervous while he shakes his head and laughs my foolishness off, reassuring me with every question I have about the days he spends with his friends, wondering if he misses me or wants me. I end up crying by the end of the night and why? Adam hasn't said anything to hurt me, or worry me, he just kisses me and tells me he loves me.
Its because of my own paranoia and insecurity. I'm scared he's lying, he doesn't mean it, he won't mean it in a few days.

The Buddhist monks talk about the auras that surround every being. They say it is more than a vibe or feeling that people rub off onto other people, it is also there thoughts. On this Earth there are billions of thought auras floating around, gettings mistaken and colliding with other thought auras.

One example was of a newlywed couple who were very happy and in love and had just moved into a house of a recent divorced couple. Instantly the newlyweds were fighting about things that never bothered each other before. Some would blame this action on marriage, while the Buddhists would claim that some of the the divorced couples thought auras had stayed around the house and had been exposed to the newlyweds.

Now I am not making up excuses, its just an idea, but its entertaining to me that the more time I spend around the people who are against Adam, the more I convince myself I don't want anything to do with him. On the days when I am in bed alone at night, the more ideas I create to making our relationship happier.

I wonder how this will all turn out. And now, while I am laying in my bed alone, with only my own thought aura to confront, I am okay, I am strong, I love and care about Adam, I'm going to hang out with him, stop thinking too much and make things as simple as they should and can be. (I bet I won't want or feel any of these things when I work next)

The truth is I am estatic about life. I'm enjoying this pickle I'm in. Thus far it has given me a great opportunity to find more out about myself and what I want and where I stand in my life. I've never thought so much in my lifetime but I'm finding so much comfort in my own thoughts.

Goodnight!

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 13:36:00 GMT

I've been doing a lot of thinking, I mean a lot. About happiness.
I've been reading books of Buddhists monks about enlightenment and ways to reach it and it seems like so much work to me. I follow their teachings and meditate and pray, I even create these philosophies for myself that help keep my optimism strong, but by the end of the night I'm just frusterated and exhausted.
There's not a time of day when I'm not thinking of ways to make myself happy. Go here with this friend, do that with this friend.
When I ask Ed why happiness can't be natural to me like jealousy and insecurity, he tells me happiness isn't natural for anyone, and anyone who says or acts like it is is faking it. Happiness is a gift in life, and with every good thing in life you have to work for it (i.e. success, love).
I do not believe that anyone (especially one at my age) could ever be truly happy. Has anyone ever thought of what "truly happy" really is? One will always have something to worry about, or be jealous about, insecure or disapointed. Truly happy can only be described as enlightenment and even most Buddhist monks who spend their entire lives going to school to study Buddhist scriptures, meditation, astrology and Tibetan medacine never reach the level of enlightenment.
So where is the hope for the rest of us?
Somedays I wonder if its easier not to be happy, to just always be enveloped, even if in secrecy of sorrow and pain.
Ed says the key to happiness, "better happy", he calls it, is to spend time with yourself and tear yourself apart to find out what it truely is that will make yourself happy.
So I'm trying.
I went to the lake to meditate last night after work and I couldn't keep my mind still so I decided it was a good time to just tear myself apart.
I brought out all the terrible things I have done in my lifetime to ruin my reputation and my relationships, everything I've ever done to hurt someone, every lie, every sin and I dwelled on each memory, at first with disgust and then with acceptance. I told myself that what I did was shameful but if I hadn't learned from it by now, I will and that I still love myself, even after all these mistakes and that someday, even if it takes ten or more years, I would find someone who would accept these shameful mistakes too and will love me just the same.
Then I brought out every memory and person who keeps my heart sad. This was surprisingly harder. When admitting my mistakes I knew they were wrong without debate, but when I tried to think of all the things that made me sad, it was as if they were fighting to come out, trying to convince me that "no, no, keep us here, we don't make you THAT sad, we're okay".
I cried and cried as I thought about my dad hurting my mom and how he left, I thought about all the times I was used, I thought about my friends who have died and I thought a lot about Adam.
And here is when I realized that a big part of my unhappiness comes from Adam. My daily paranoia that he's having more fun with his friends than he ever did with me. That he's attracted to another girl, that he's happier without me. It makes me sad to get emails and texts telling me I'm a shit person and to go to hell, none of these things have ever brought a smile to my face.
This Adam factor toyed with my mind the longest. Reminding me of the times he's promised me he wants to be with me, the good times we shared when we were together. They howled that they weren't making me sad, to keep them inside, they told me it was all my fault I make things so difficult, that I could trust Adam and I could handle the mean names and hurtful untrue accusations, I was strong and I loved him, it was all my fault, just keep them inside. And I was so close to doing just that.
But I didn't. I told every reason that I feel unhappy from that I knew they were there, that I accept why they make me feel the way I do and that I spent respectable time dwelling on each and everyone of them and that they've all changed me in someway, somehow and that I appreciated them but that I didn't want them to make me sad anymore. I repeated this until my tears were all dried and I was smiling from the inside.
I know that this excersize is not brining me any closer to enlightenment but it made me feel much lighter. And although I know this hasn't protected me from ever getting sad again, or feeling unhappy and lost, I do believe it has given me control to know where those memories stand and that they're not going to get in my way anymore.
I will admit that I fully expect for the Adam factor to creep on me many times in the next weeks, I never completely felt finished with that one, but it was very necessary for me to realize that Adam is bringing me down and not up, not once in the past three weeks has he made me "better happy", so with that I know that its important, in the words of The Beatles (is it just John Lennon? My mom and I couldnt figure it out) , to just let it be.
I will not let him keep me unhappy any more.

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 18:17:46 GMT

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendancy not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times then I care to admit with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."

When people ask why I stayed with Adam for so long, or even why somedays I still have faith that one day we will be happily together again, this is why.

I refuse to have this theory every again.

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 13:18:50 GMT

After reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, I've been kind of determined to find two contradicting factors in my life that I need to have balanced.
It took me merely two seconds to figure out what mine would be.

Without hesitation I will still and always admit that I loved my relationship with Adam more than I loved, pretty much anything in my lifetime. It's most easiest for me to remember every arguement and spat (they did happen often, and they were pretty bad), but it's undeniable that there are much greater things to be made memorable about our relationship.
Every time we layed on his bed, squeezing our stomachs, worried that something would burst because we were laughing too hard. Every picnic, adventure to a new mountain or waterfall, every four wheeler ride where I held onto him as tight as I could, crying to him through the biggest and best howls of laughter I've ever laughed for him to slow down. Every story we continued for each other with our own ridiculous imaginations (I've always done this and have never met anyone else who had until Adam). Every dinner, every breakfast, every sleepover. It never mattered how much we fought because by the end of the night I was still completely in love with this boy. My all time best friend, and even more, my family.

Like I said, I have always done everything in my power to take care of the people I love, and to make sure they felt safe and taken care of, and above all things, important and loved.
Somehow I lacked on this part of mine and Adam's relationship, but he did not.
For the first time I was taken care of. As much as I gave up for him, he gave up two times more, without complaint or hesitation. He never missed a three o clock a.m. phone call to hear about my nightmare or to listen to me get sick. He refused to get off the telephone until I promised that I felt better, and sometimes, this lasted hours. He never took his eyes off me while I cried to him about my family, he just listened and comforted. He brought me to work when no one else could, he held my hand like it was his great great great grandmothers china. At the time I wouldn't recognize or even appreciate these things. But I do now.

I need to find balance between these two in my next relationship. I need to allow someone to take care of me with full appreciation and acceptance and still at the same time, take care of them with all I know how to.

As much as I write about my hatred for Adam, and even if for some reason I still have reason to in the future, there will ALWAYS be a part of me that will remember that it wasn't all bad, he wasn't all bad. Neither of us were ever really that bad at all. Our relationship ended terribly and with that, so did my feelings towards him, unfortunatly.

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 02:06:37 GMT

I am not a bad person and never have been. I have always put other people far ahead of me and will continue to do so for the rest of my life because I enjoy taking care of people. I definetly have shameful mistakes that I have made in my past, but don't we all?

Also, can you please spend less time reading my journal and more time enjoying your summer?

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 12:35:40 GMT

Everything is falling directly into place and I couldn't feel more blissful.

My dad, stepmom and sister are moving back up to Maine! Not only Maine, but in the same exact town I live in! I will be able to ride my bicycle to see him everyday!
I'm getting very close to my family, going bowling with my sisters and spending the day with them at the beach, taking walks to the park with my little brother and nephew, my grandparents are back in Maine for the summer and I've already spent an afternoon with them!
And my friends! I haven't spent a day alone, before work, after work, I'm constantly seeing movies and getting breakfast with them
In one week I've had two strangers ask for my number, one pay for my movie rental and one pay for my lunch.
My devotional time is going really well, I meditate almost every morning to pray to my God and it relaxes me and puts me in a wonderful mood all day
I'm having the time of my life

and I feel so guilty for it...

Before every movie I go see, or every friend I visit I ask God (and my mom) if I should feel bad for being so happy. The emails I get from Adam, telling me I'm scummy and immiture, make me nauseous and sad. My plan was to ignore his phone calls and emails to make this break up easier on us, to let us do our own thing, have our own space and have a good summer, I never meant to seem childish or senseless for this plan. My purpose was to never escape the consequences I hold from damaging his car, as far as I'm concered, my insurance is dealing with everything and I thought it was best to just leave it at a sincere apology and go about our lives.

I've never been so sure about one thing, but I don't want anything to do with Adam right now, I've never been so happy now that he's out of my life. I feel so foolish for falling so in love with this person, not knowing that in the end we would have such a strong hate for each other.

Is it dumb that I am most sad that I am alreadly completely over Adam? It took me months to get over previous boyfriends and we never ended up hating each other in the end, we're still friends.
I feel so guilty that I'm not fighting for this, or wanting any of this, everywhere I go I say a quick prayer that I won't run into Adam, I take back routes just in case I pass him on the roads.

He's eating me alive and I just want him gone.

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 15:32:25 GMT

Please ignore the last line of my last entry.

It's been evident my entire life that I am a lover.

From the day my younger sister Jessee was born, walking into the hospital with my "I'm the big sister" t shirt, home videos show the unmistakable glow in my face that we all know as love. I kept her as close to me as possible and just smiled at her knowing that I was going to do everything my little 13 month old self could do to keep her happy and taken care of.

In my life time, plenty of people have volunteeringly shared with me that they can feel I have such a passionate aura. I radiate and can brighten up an entire room with just my smile. I am still constantly refered to as "Sunshine" by the little old men who work in the golf shack at Roy's.

It's been a long while since I've felt like myself. Some nights I would even cry to Adam that I didn't know why I wasn't myself anymore. I wasn't that little bubble of joy that everyone wanted to hug everytime they saw. I was sad and angry and confused and worried. I'm not sure what triggered this change in myself, maybe it was Adam's angry aura that rubbed off on me? Maybe it was my dad leaving me, maybe it was the terrible summer I had before where I let myself and all my morals completely go. Whatever it was, it turned me into a person I didn't recognize and didn't want any part of.

There were so many times where I tried to recenter myself by putting all my energy into loving Adam, but for some reason or another, it was never good enough for him, or me. I was never steadily the same person I once was and I wanted to be again. I was jealous and controlling and insecure.

Loving and being in love is my all time favorite part about life, and it's the only thing I really care about and am constantly trying to make better, and there is no doubt that I am really good at it.

There is no one to blame on why mine and Adam's relationship didn't work. Although I had every intention and want to love Adam as much and as best as I ever possibly could, I never fully loved myself because I wasn't myself and in order to love another person, you must always love yourself first.

Lately I've had such a huge debate going inside my mind. I've made lists of ways I could better mine and Adam's relationship. I would start by trusting him, knowing that he loves me and only me and he would never do anything to hurt me [of course disregarding the fact that he has lied to me many times to my face, has hurt me by calling me names and has lead me on as if it were fun for him to watch me suffer]. I would take his girlfriends out to talk to them and apologize for not trusting them and become friends with them. I would be happy and hang out with my friends and we would love to spend time together because our relationship would be stable and mature and we would have nothing to fight about now that I trusted him with other girls and now that I would become the old me and I would love myself and I would love him to the all time fullest.

But all of this means nothing to Adam, and for that I am afraid I have to take this list on to a new person. And although I thought I wanted Adam to be "the one" more than anything, thinking about it, I mean really thinking about it, I know it would be impossible, because although I have changed he will still always be unstable, angry and always hold a grudge.

I will not be afraid to love again, I'm actually excited for it[but not in a desperate impatient kind of way]!

I am me again, I can feel it in every bone. I am stable, I am strong, I am optimistic, I am smiling, even being home alone in my basement, typing this away. I am Samantha Lynn Downs, finally and again.